damn its been a long time since ive been on this shit. maybe i'll write something tomorrow

Well I figure nobody reads this anymore so I'm gonna say this here...

Today at school this guy came and gave a presentation. He gave a very motivational presentation. The whole purpose of the presentation was based on this theme, " You don't know me, til you know me." And he talked about how people wear a mask for most of there life. And he couldn't be any more true. He talked about how kids act completely different from the way they really are b/c they're afraid that everyone won't like the real them or how they just want to fit in. I've been saying that forever. Nobody knows who I really am. I've only ever been able to be me around like 5 people my whole life. Its like how he put it, when I'm with everyone in school I try to be another person just so everyone likes me, so I fit in. He also talked about how some kids hide there emotions. How they appear to be fine with all there friends but really they're depressed and are having suicide thoughts. I was like that once. I'm not gonna lie, I used to hate life so much. I used to think I was alone in this world and that everyone else in it was out to get me. And I had thought about suicide. One night when i was 14, I sat down on the floor in my room with my favorite knife. I had written notes to my parents and most of my friends. I had them on my bed behind me. I took the knife to my throat at first. I held it there for a few minutes. But exactly like what the guy said, you think about some crazy things when you are going to kill yourself. The whole time i sat there all i could think about were my dogs, basketball, and Amy. I thought about basketball because I was thinking, if i killed myself how would I know if I really could be good enough to play in the NBA? And i thought about Amy because at the time we were together and she was the only person that I could be myself with. I sat there for a good 15 minutes. I started crying just thinking about those three things. I ended up putting the knife down. I couldn't do it. I had to know if I could play in the NBA. This is why I play as much as I do and get as competitvie as I do. I couldn't leave my dogs behind. They meant too much to me. They were the only things that were good that I had going for me. And Amy, I care way too much about her. Thinking about her smile alone stopped me. I love her so much. I hate not being with her now. But its like if I can't be with her then I want to just hang out with her. I'll take her anyway I can get. But yeah, I'll never even consider suicide again. I've tried it. And I don't like the idea of being dead. I want to see where life takes me. Hearing the presentation today just sealed that decision for me. Never again will I have to wear my mask.

this is for you steph

Baby I miss You


I've been feeling this emptiness for sometime
Trying make do
But my world has been so crazy
Living without u
I'm a man not ashamed to admit my falls
Now that I know
But the only thing that matters now
I should have never let u go
Now every night before I go to sleep, I pray
That the lord would someday some how
Send u back my way

Baby I miss u
I need to be back in your arms
I've never stopped loving u
My heart is where u belong
Baby I miss u
And for heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we've come to far to let it slip away
Cause we've come to far to let it slip away

Couldn't understand many things in my life
And what u meant to me
Now I'm prepared to be everything that a man Is suppose to be
I don't wanna be alone no more
So then my heart can take it
That weeks have past
Since you've been gone
That I've thought that I could make it
Oh baby
So every night before I go to sleep, I pray
That the lord would one day somehow
Bring u back my way

Baby I miss u
I need to be back in your arms
I've never stopped loving u
My heart is where u belong
Baby I miss u
And for heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we've come to far to let it slip away
Cause we've come to far to let it slip away
Baby don't know what else to say or do
Its hard to get through every night and everyday
Knowing I had u walk away
Its killing me inside
Feeling so strong I can't hide
So lord help me get through trying times
I'll do anything to have u back in my life

Baby I miss u
I need to be back in your arms
I've never stopped loving u
My heart is where u belong
Baby I miss u
And for heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we've come to far to let it

Baby I miss u
I need to be back in your arms
I've never stopped loving u
My heart is where u belong
Baby I miss u
And for heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we've come to far to let it
Baby I miss u

amy, if u see this, i really miss you